“They're Doing Their Own Things”: Identity Processes in Fatherhood

In this paper we explore the disconnect between “culture” and “conduct” of fatherhood. We are specifically interested in why changing ideas about fatherhood have had such a minimal influence on men’s actual parenting. Our explanation lies in theories of self and identity.

We argue that key to this disconnect is the unique way that fathers’ performances are evaluated because the definition of fatherhood is in flux. There is no identity standard to live up to. The lack of a widely-embraced and realized standard of a “good father” influences behavior in two distinct ways. First, it gives men little specific role direction or guidance in how to be a good father. Second, it allows fathers flexibility in choosing their reference group. Furthermore, when something keeps fathers from living up to their idealized vision, there is forgiveness and accommodation because fatherhood is about ultimately about articulating commitment and intentionality, even if they are unable to carry out those intentions.

We draw on social psychological theories to demonstrate the different effects of conditional versus clear definitions of fatherhood for both men’s contributions to the household and their sense of self. Using data from in-depth interviews, collected as part of the Time, Love, and Cash in Couples with Children (TLC3) study, we find that the more vague a conception about what makes a good father is, the more difficult it is—for either the fathers themselves or their partners—to evaluate a father’s performance. By contrasting fathers who have abstract or conditional definitions of fatherhood with fathers who have clear, specific definitions, we demonstrate the negative effects of vague definitions and the importance of identity standards for caretaking behavior, relationships, and positive self-conceptions.